Back in the US?
Physically I'm in the US. Everything besides my body is still back in India. Most of you that live here and go home anually know exactly what I'm going through. The standard questions to self: Why am I here? Is this worth it? What's important in life?
I'm anxious for these questions to fade away behind the busy fascade of the city life. Right now I'm letting my overactive imagination relive every little moment while the concious self struggles to come back to reality.
Random things pop into my head such as this conversation which makes me smile even now when I think of it!
{My niece playing with a friend her age}
Rianna (busy playing with her toys): Ayesha
Ayesha (not looking up, also busy with her toys): Haan
Rianna (still playing): Ayesha
Ayesha (very patiently): Haan
Rianna (pushing her luck): Ayesha
Ayesha (still very very patient, we're friends after all!): Haan
Rianna (pointing towards her t-shirt which has a jelly fish on it): Jelly!
Both beam at each other for a brief moment before getting busy with the toys again.
:) Simple pleasures in life. I really want to watch my niece spread powdo (=powder) on the table and turn everything white while smiling infectiously or roar like the Tigo (=Tiger.)
posted by Shon at 1:57 PM
8 Comments:
very touching post, especially the little conversation. I can totally relate to what you are going through, believe me these low times are a fact of life. Sooner you accept them better it is. Seeing the way this little innocent conversation touched you makes me believe that you are a sensitive person, and for sensitive people no place is different. Even if you go back, these low times wont leave you, they will occur for different reasons.
So the best thing is to hang in there and get on with things, a week or two down the line and you wont even notice how things will change. And think of new places to visit.
I am sure its not the first time you are going through this, felt like writing because I was touched by the story.
You make it sound like I'm doomed for life! :)
haha sorry that wasnt the intention at all :)if you are then so will be every sensitive person in this world including me.
Its just that sensitive people have higher perception towards things around them. This perseption helps a great deal with many aspects of life, from choosing what to do, who to interact with and all. I am sure you know what I am trying to say here.
And like everything else the bad part of being sensitive is facing times like these, but with time we all get strong and know how to control these feelings, right?
So dont worry you arent doomed, future is bright like the present:)
one more thing, have you heard of Gary Jules, if not then listen to his "Mad World", its the saddest music in world, its so sad that it will make you feel better and lighter. Dont believe me, try it Gary Jules "Mad World" :)
So I heard Mad World by Gary Jules. Infact i saw the video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4
I think everything he says are thoughts we've all had at some point in life or the other. Let's accept that most of us go through life running from one material goal to the next. Very few actually do something meaningful in life. Personally, I've never emerged from such thoughts feeling happy or good about myself. Have you found a better way to deal with these thoughts?
material, meaningful.....very broad words and encompass all. As per me, for most of us what we consider material usually seem to be things that we have already achieved or believe that we will be able to achieve. Whereas, things, possesions, or feelings that we dont have control over are considered meaningful.
Blame it on my sobriety (weeknight) I am not able to explain it more clearly.
I think "material" and "meaningful" are all relative. When we are your niece's age then a kinder surprise is the most meaningful thing, and material aspect of it doesnt exist. As we grow up this term "material" enters are life, many times I have wondered why? and I think its only coz we are still not happy with what we have. As we grow up our decisions arent influenced by ourselevs anymore, and when we make those decisions and work hard towards getting them, often we realise that we are still not happy, or we tend to want more than ever, and many times its becasue we never wanted it and wanted it just coz it is the norm.
So your statement that you never come out of these thoughts of seeking one goal after another happily could be because the goals you are making arent very conducive to your happiness. fuck I sound preachy :(
On second thought I think I missed the point and didnt answer the question......
the answer is NO, writers like Hesse and Rand have filled so many books on this existentialism and I dont think they could ever help me a lot. Not that I read all of them, except a couple like Atlas Shrugged by Rand (which is one of my favs, wont suggest you to pick it up right away, but add it to your book list)
Lord Krishna said its all "Maya" and just believe in "Karma", such thoughts sound very nice but acheiving them in this phase of life seems highly ambitious to me.
So the last resort seems to be what you are practicing, cruise control, and not thinking about anything. But be honest, do you really think it can happen.
I am writing all this, because I feel we both are in the same boat, and dont mind me but it does feel nice to know that "you are not the only one".
What I have noticed so far is that more more and more we try to fill this cup of life we tend to notice the empty space more and more (and believe me sometimes the cup feels more empty than full).
One solution that I did find was to get more full of myself (excuse any hubris), but believe me more we love ourselves easier the things get. Tennis, photogaphy, travelling all are great way to do so, and plus this stupid sensitivity does make us appreciate little things in life too, so we might as well look for those little things in ourselves and be happy (easier said than done)......I guess if I nurse my verbosity more I will start going in circles. In case you havent noticed I am being Mr. States the obvious :)
So how about you introduce something totally not obvious to this conversation and save it from dying a dry and morbid death :)
Cheers (drinking is fun.......just anonymous......not alcoholic :)
I just returned to this post exactly 2 years later and am wondering if you are still in the same mental place? Are you any more full of yourself than you were 2 years ago?
I guess I shouldn't really expect a response given my inability to post anything in such a long time.. but hey it's worth a shot!
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